The beginning of 2014 marked a strange and challenging time in my life. The 6-year relationship with my now-ex was in its final stages of unravelling, and I was about to move to a new apartment. On the flip side of that, my writing had just begun to take off, finding some success in certain corners of the internet; and around that time, Kayla and I began dating.
There was actually a lot of good.
I conquered my fear of surgery/anesthetic, as I underwent two separate procedures in June and October. I accomplished a lifelong writing goal. I won a couple of awards, I lost (but was nominated for) a couple of awards, I spoke at a college, I spoke at a conference, I appeared on podcasts, I appeared on radio, I published a book, I quit smoking, and I cut way back on my drinking, and I had more than 450 posts published. I’m super proud of all of that.
And, of course, there was the bad.
I drifted from friends, Laika (the dog my ex and I shared) went to live with her, I became a bit of an isolationist, I got caught up in Twitter fights, I lashed out at people, I said more things I regret than I can even count, I was mock executed by a drag queen, a website nominated me for “Most Annoying Person” during their annual awards (and I didn’t even win! 😉 ), I burned professional bridges, I made hundreds of poor decisions, I was jealous, I was vengeful, I was petty, I clicked “send” many times I should have clicked “delete,” and just generally proved to myself that I really am my own worst enemy.
I recently got another tattoo, this one a line from Oscar Wilde’s “The Duchess of Padua”:
[blockquote source=””]We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.[/blockquote]
“We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.” — Oscar Wilde pic.twitter.com/4QYhfBS20S
— Parker Marie Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) November 2, 2014
I exit 2014 with a bad taste in my mouth, and it took all these mistakes and fuck-ups for me to understand that a good 90 percent of the negative that came my way during the year were problems I could have prevented if I’d only taken a moment to pause before acting.
I am my own devil, and I make this world my hell, indeed.
I’m going to enter the new year a wiser, more humbled person. I’m going to work hard and trust that said work will be recognized instead of trying to push for that recognition. I’m going to re-read every draft of every e-mail before I click “send,” checking to ensure that both the content and tone match what I mean to say.
I’m going to be better. I’m going to be less of a pain in the ass to be around. I’m going to play well with others, I’m going to be perfect starting now. (Okay, maybe not perfect)
2015 is going to be alright. It’s all going to be alright.