Season 6, Episode 20 – the Exploding Meatball Sub
Plot Synopsis: Lily and Barney react badly when Marshall finally quits his job at Goliath National Bank to take a volunteer position at an environmental organization. Meanwhile, Ted and Zoey’s opposing positions on the future of the Arcadian come between them.
Completely irrelevant to the storyline:
In Barney’s office
(Barney is burning a photo of Marshall; Ted enters)
Ted: Hey, Barney, there’s a bunch of models in the lobby, and the gossip is one of them is really a dude. You want to play “Who’s Hot and Who’s Scott?”
Barney: It’s always the one in the turtleneck, Ted. And no, I don’t want to play. Stupid Marshall-… ruined everything.
Ted: Oh, come on. Everything’s not ruined.
(A man enters)
Man: Guys, everything’s ruined.
Ted: What? Why?
Man: Your girlfriend somehow got the Landmark Preservation Committee to agree to a hearing. If they declare the Arcadian a landmark, the whole project is dead. The good news is, I just got the phone number of a husky-voiced hottie in a turtleneck.
(The man leaves the room)
And here are some more examples (source):
[Barney pays an escort $500 to attend a social function with Ted.]
Barney: Ted you’re my cabrone, you think I’m going to stick you with some toothless tranny from Port Authority?
[Ted’s wonders why his friends dislike his date. He alternately imagines that she had a man falsely imprisoned for statutory rape, enjoys killing puppies, and the following:]
Ted: I’ll be back in one second.
Kathy: I bet he’s going to the urinal. Yeah, I remember when I had a penis.
Ted: If there’s some potential “Ohhh….” [dealbreaker] moment, I want know about it right away. I mean, what’s the alternative?
[Cut to fantasy sequence Robin and Ted at the altar]
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife.
Ted: I love you.
Robin: I used to be a dude.
[Ted, in a rough part of town, is approached by a blonde woman shortly after being approached by a cross dressed, possibly transgender sex worker.]
Ted: Look, mister you are very convincing, and I’m very flattered. Confused, even, but I’m not looking –
Zoe: Definitely not a drag queen. But you have me rethinking this eyeshadow.
[Later in the episode after Ted compliments her looks.]
Zoe: That’s sweet. It would be sweeter if you hadn’t said I was a tranny before, but it’s still sweet.
[Ted wonders why his date is secretive. A fantasy sequence ensues where Ted is in the bathroom of the restaurant and Janet comes in.]
Ted: This is the men’s room.
[Janet strides to the urinal and hikes up her dress.]
Janet: I know. I’m a dude.
Ted: [gasp of horror]