I’ve been feeling very anxious, frustrated, depressed over the past several days. It’s not so much the usual “I hate myself” spiel that’s plagued me all too often throughout my life, but more a general sadness with the world – with life, death/mortality, innocence, wonder. It just seems like there’s so much out there, yet our ability to embrace it doesn’t come near fulfilling myself.
In a conversation on the train to work this morning, I asked, “when do you stop saying you’re in your mid-20s, and start saying you’re in your late-20s?” My conversation partner replied, “I don’t know… 27?” By that, I only have 5 months left of being in my mid-20s. It should be noted that I understand this is all very arbitrary, all of it – how we measure time, how we talk about time. But still… late-20s… Geez.
I guess the nature of life, fleeting and insatiable, is something I still don’t comprehend. How do we live lives with meaning, and what does it even mean to have “meaning?” In the end, we live and we die while the world moves on without us. Looking at my life as an hourglass, I can see that the sand has started inching upward, as if to remind me of wasted time. Even if I could have that time back, what would I do with it? Just the same stuff: school, work, and just… life. How does one truly live knowing that every moment they’re closer to death than they were before?
I tried to articulate this to my therapist this week. During this, I started crying as I just kept right on talking. Looking for hope, for an answer, I looked to my therapist for help. “That was really touching, really heartfelt, really profound,” he said (for the record, I don’t think anything I said was “profound”), but those words didn’t provide me the answer I hoped for.
This is a universal feeling, I would imagine, in which we become nostalgic for moments that maybe weren’t even that special; where we start asking ourselves “what if…?” Maybe I need to just get over myself and try to make the most of my life. Maybe I need to up the dosage on my antidepressants. I don’t know.