My life is consumed by transition-related thoughts. I honestly cannot concentrate on anything else, no matter how hard I try. I really feel like this is having a significant effect on my focus in my day-to-day life activities. The real bummer is that this obsession just makes my life seem that much slower. It’s like I’m a kid trying to fall asleep on Christmas Eve – you know if you just relax, time will fly and you’ll get where you want/what you want in no time. But like those Christmas Eve kids, I’m here, eyes wide, and that clock keeps ticking slower and slowwwwwwer.
If I’m at work, all I can think about is how much I’m disgusted by being stuck in boy mode – as I’m not yet out at work – and how much I look forward to getting home and wearing some clothes that make me feel less dysphoric. If I’m at home, all I can see are my more masculine features, focusing on my hatred for my facial hair. It’s a no-win situation. Until I’m living as the woman I am, I’m just biding my time in a body/social set that doesn’t match. It sucks.
I want to be curvy, cute and small. I want people to gender me female by default. I never want to hear my birth name again. But really, it’s not these somewhat superficial things that really consume me – how someone in public is going to gender me is really up to them – it’s the feeling that I’m in a place that comes up short on a number of levels in terms of where I want to be for myself, where I feel I can eventually be. After all, I’m not doing this because I want anything from anyone else. I’m doing this because it’s who I need to be.
(time passing slowly)
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